Promotion

Dear Friend,

Interesting news this week. I interviewed for a management position in my group, and everything says I'll get the position come Monday. This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. But I don't want to talk about the job tonight, I've been thinking about this all weekend.

So far in these letters, I've talked a lot about what I want. This is very relevant to my situation now. I was having drinks with a dear friend of mine tonight. She remarked that I seem to move from one intense job to the next. When am I going to have the time to do the other things in life the things I want to take care of (I'm possibly paraphrasing). Over 2 years ago, I got myself out of consulting as I felt that it was eating up my life. I was spending considerably less time with my friends and while my life was always about work, it became moreso in this period. To this day, I really haven't caught back up with those close friends and it feels that I've generally grown farther away from people then closer. With a few exceptions.

This new job has the possibility of doing the same to me. I may find that between now and 2010 my life becomes more my job then it did in the past. And among the things that give me trepidation about this position, I have to say that this is one of them.

I am not a completely self-confident being. We can get into why someother time, but I don't even know how I feel about you reading this. I've certainly improved my confidence over the years. I used to have no confidence at all. Then as I grew, I began to get confidence in situations that I've seen before. Recently, I have been able to confidently enter situations that I had no explicit prior reference. That is growth.

But a lot of that growth has been at work. Socially, I've still felt awkward, thou again a lot lessso since school days. I've identified things I want. Things I'd like to change, things I'd like to get a better handle on. Some of them I listed in a prior post. But some of these things take time, and that was my friends point. Will I ever get to these things if I get myself wrapped up in work once again. I've had a busy job recently, but one that was entirely manageable. This new one could get unmanageable.

So how do these two points (confidence and time) tie together. It takes time and energy for us to battle our inner demons. Particularly if we get ourselves to the point of being overly worried or overly analytical about them. How do we not wake up and find four years later that we are older, wiser, but still on the paths that don't enable us to be all the we can, all the we want.

I know why its easy not to spend this time. We do get wrapped up in other things. Explicitly fighting demons is a energy draining downward spiral. Its easy to pass these things on to tomorrow or the next day. For the past 6 months, I've written in my to do list "Life Goals", but still I don't address it. I pass it on to work on other things.

The key, my friend, I think is twofold. 1) Find the freaking time. You always must fine the time for yourself. I know I've learned this. I used to push off my own "self-items" to worry and fret over my friends' "self-items". In some vain attempt to feel closeness... my own wallflower syndrome. 2) Break down the barriers quickly. Just freaking break them down. Blow through them before the voices in your head give you pause.

I have only one freaking life to lead. JUST ONE. There isn't time to fret and worry. There isn't time to be self-conscious. Nike's "Just Do It" sounds corny, but it is the truth.

That's why I'm accepting the job on Monday, and I'm going to make it work.

Driving home tonight, I listened to "Ain't it fun" a cover by Guns and Roses of an old punk rock song. It serves me well in two moods... When I'm depressed and want to feel angry and when I'm scared and want to feel like turning things around. I'm listening to it now... there are some phrases I want to share. Its a mix, not the full lyrics

"Ain't it fun when your always on the run?"
"Ain't it fun when your friends despise what you've become?"
"Ain't it fun when you feel like you just gotta get a gun?"
"Ain't if fun when you know that you are gonna die young?"

OK, its getting very late now. I don't know if I am making any sense anymore. I should stop here before I regret blathering on more.

Thank you for listening. I cherish it.

Regards,
-Angst

p.s. Re-reading some things I just wrote, made me think this pertainant thought, which maybe I alluded to in the first place. Sometimes I think I block what I want from even coming to the forefront in my mind. The voices in my head are evil bastards. To protect my psyche, I think they don't even let me consider the things that lead to a downward spiral of self-deprecation and loathing. I think it tries to call it maturity, but I think in the end it will lead to a hollow life. (Which might be why I'm writing down these very intimate details of my mind to break that cycle). For example. to protect myself from the pain of unrequited love, which I've known so much about I could write a book. Sorry... but to ease that pain, I think my mind in the past has drown out feelings of affection in white noise. Oh, don't even bother thinking about her that way... it won't work out... blah blah blah. That is what I mean by the voices in my head not allowing thoughts to even come to the forefront where I can confront them, overcome them. I have a mind that plays chess, better then I do.

Which is utterly remarkable when you think about it.

I am definitely going to have to write a long letter about voices in the head, but not tonight. Tonight I just tipped the iceberg. But perhaps I won't ever. Perhaps I'll just beat them into submission tomorrow.