Britney Spears

Dear Friend,

Since Brittney Spears has been in the news recently, I've gone back and listened to a few of her songs while driving in my car. These songs got me thinking sure its written from a female perspective, but why can't I feel the same things? Because it emphasasizes my effeminate side perhaps? But fuck that, I'm telling a story here, and you've never met me. Let's look at two of the songs that evoke the most emotion. And you should know that I'm quite emotional about songs. My favorite songs are the ones where I hear the emotion of the singer festering through the song.

I've felt things at Brittney's songs. Two songs in particular. "Hit me baby One more time" and " Opps, I did it again." "One more time" is an odd one for me, in that the video can make me well up in some respects more then just hearing the song. For me the part that gets me is when she is in the stands holding the basketball, singing the chorus. and it goes to a single piano. "oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know... I must confess. that MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME KNOW... when I'm not with you, I lose my mind. give me a sign." This song is about lost love. So what if this lost love is unrequited love. Its still stiring my soul. There are times (or more specifically were times) that my loneliness was killing me. Day after day, just curling up wanting love to come. Not knowing how to cure the loneliness, just looking for any sign that love might be possible.

Of the two songs, "One more time" is the more emotional of the two. And no, it has nothing to do with Britney in the school uniform. The basketball shirt, maybe... but not the school uniform. For "Oops I did it again" its more about the reaction to hearing those words then the words themselves. I am such a fool for continuing to live my life in a state of unrequited love. It evokes interesting emotions, which may not be well understood, but hey, I'm not asking you to understand, I just want to know that you, stranger, are listening. I turn "Opps, I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game" into something that can best be described in the following "Opps I did it again, I GAVE you MY heart, AND lost in the game." It was a crush, and you crushed my heart. and that sweet-assed sorry voice, just enrages me further. "It might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean I'm serious." means, I'm sorry, I'm just a flirt, you are the idiot for thinking that I was in "Love, and sent from above". In the end though, "I played with your heart, got lost in the game" - and I have to hate you for it. Britney's song let's me do that. That's why this song means something to me.

I have a real problem with unrequited love, or at least I did. Wallflowers tend to.. but no excuses. I don't have a problem anymore. The problem I used to have was that I was immature and not in control of my emotions. Now I'm alot saner. The progression in my life has gone somewhat like this. Unrequited love that I didn't know what the heck to do with to unrequited love that I took some chances on, but didn't really give a great deal of thought on the approach... to unrequited love that I tried to ignore and bury so deep inside that it nearly killed me.... to bottling up my heart to that special person who will one day open it. But I am not holding out hope. I'm nearly 32 years old. I've grown past defining my life by love. I'm not doing it anymore. My heart will not be on my shoulder and out on display. By that I mean, my love is for one and only person, myself. Because that is what I missed all those years. I did not love myself. If I did, I would not have gotten myself in the situations that I did. Learning that, I gave up on love indefinitely. While I thought that I would once return to it, and I have felt an occasionaly yearning to turn a friendship into something more; honestly, I don't know if I want to take that chance again.

I'm sure you don't understand this, and if my friends were reading this, they really wouldn't understand it. So I'm writting to you stranger, to tell my story, its a story I want to tell, as I know there are others out there like me. And one day you might happen across one of them, and you'll recognize what I'm saying, and maybe you'll understand them.

I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm saner know then I have ever been in my life. Societly tells us that we should fall in love. Really? are our lives truely one size fits all. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture. I've fell in love, and I loved the feeling, but it was absent a love of self. Someone will love me oneday, and I may love someone. and I know I'll feel those pangs of love, they pop up now and again. but unlike Britney, I realize its not a game; when we play it like it is a game, that is just means someone will lose.

What I do worry thou, is that I have bottled my heart up so deep inside for its own protection that I've become an unemotional thing and driven away my friends. Truth is that I'm still quite emotional, I don't get as worked up as I used to, and I know emotions are truth. They are not things to run from. For example, if I have a crush on say a co-worker, fine. I accept that as a truth, and its much easier to deal with. Then trying to supress that feeling and wondering why I do the stupid things I do around him or her (trust me, it would be a her... just wanted to see if you were paying attention, ha ha). Ever said the phrase "lying to yourself" ... I don't do that. I know myself... I may hide it from others, but that is a different matter.

But baring my heart away means I am tougher to read, and maybe my friends don't want to be around me much anymore. That is a bit saddening, and perhaps I need to let it open a little more. But I've had more pain from being an open book then being more closed... so that is a reality.

And now I'm just babeling and rambling. One day I'm going to look back at this post and I'm sure I'll realized that I needed to fill in a few more blanks and reorganize alot of these thoughts... and I may even regret what I've written here. While even though you are a stranger, and these are just stories and theories. I do recognize that they might get into the hands of folks who know me and take these too seriously. To that I'd say. Its emotion people, its reality that it more real then the drummed up reality we see around us. It is truth, it can be scary. It can be anything you feel it to be. Do not be afraid of it, do not be ashamed of it. We have one life to live, do not make it petty by shortchanging what you feel.

Speaking of feeling, here are the songs that I feel convey the most emotion for me, and why.


My Top 5 emotional songs
1. Unbreak my heart - Toni Braxton - Just hearing her belt out "Unbreak my heart!" sends shivers down my spine.
2. Don't Speak - No Doubt - "Don't Speak, I know what your thinking, don't tell me cause it hurts" - This is the song of unrequited love for me. Don't tell me that you don't think of me that way. I already know it. Was what I was thinking when I listed to it long ago.
3. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind - "I'm only pretty sure I can't take anymore" and "how its gonna be when you don't know me anymore. how its gonna be." For when I'm pissed off at being "just a friend" and I can't take the pain anymore. I wonder, how you would feel, if I just said fuck you.
4. Ain't it Fun - Guns and Roses - The true sad / want to be pissed off song.
5. Hey You - Pink Floyd - nuff said... seriously anything by Pink Floyd could fit here, but there was a loneliness in this song, and a cry for help that I really felt back long ago.

The thing to notice about these, for those of you intensely worried about me right now... these are OLDER songs. I haven't listened to most of these in years. These aren't songs of today. The song of today that is closest to this for me is "Umbrella" by Rihanna. That may seem like an odd song, but one day a month ago coming home from work I took the chorus and turned it around and made it a pledge I was making to myself. Here's the lyrics... think about that while you read it. I nearly cried when I first thought of this song this way.

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

Regards,
-Angst