Naturally

Dear Friend,

Naturally, after positively describing Perks of Being a Wallflower in my past 2 posts, I had to read it again. It was about the tenth time that I've read it. Its a pretty devestating book. It really can pull you back and make you feel like you did when you didn't really understand the world.

That is what I get most out of the book. Granted, I get a lot out of the book. I question sometimes whether or not I understand the world hnow; but usually that is a passing thing when I have too much time on my hand and not enough to do. (like tonight the third day of a three day weekend).

Charlie sees the world, but he doesn't get the world. He is innocent, but also worldly at the same time. But that is also a generalization. There are specific things that Charlie does not understand that I think we all can relate to. Charlie does not understand what it means to live for yourself before living for others.

And sometimes I wish I could go back in time and teach myself that lesson. I must have been in my mid-twenties before I learned that lesson. I sometimes yearn for another chance at times I chose to give up myself for the sake of others. To not love someone because that is what they wanted. To do something, be something, be somewhere I didn't want to be, in order to make another person happy. To bear my own pain silently and unknowingly.

And from that I have grown. I awoke one day thinking that I have one life to live and it is my responsbility and nobody else's to make it a meaningful life. That is how I matured. I grew before I read Perks. I will not claim that it changed my life; but it did as alot of great stories do, it made me realize that I am not alone is how I feel / felt.

So the question isn't, am I a wallflower? I think we know this is true. The question isn't, am I happy? because I am. The real question is, am I happy because I've grown and learned how to be truely happy, or have I grown and learned how to avoid that which makes me uncomfortable. I could ask, does that matter. But I think the answer to that is, yes. To me it does matter that I am truely happy and not living a shadow of a life dodging unhappiness.

It also is important to answer these odd kinds of questions. It is just who I am, and what I want to do.

I think I may still drive myself away from situtions that are not in my comfort zone. On the other hand, I don't think I do that completely.

I think I work my ass off, not to have to deal with "life", but I also think I am more capable of not overanalyzing (hahahaha) everything and as Nike used to say "Just do it".

But I do think, and if that makes me a wallflower, then great.

But you might say, well then, you are not participating are you? And to that, I would say that I am. Wallflowers can participate, they participate when they choose to be a wallflower. It is the act of choice that leads to the participation. When I'm listening, it is because I genuinely want to, not because I don't know any better.

Will this even be a train of thought tomorrow? Probably not. It will be interesting to see over time how my self-analysis changes. I doubt I'll be thinking about any of this for another month, or maybe a year.

About 6 months ago, I was at a seminar in LA. I got asked the question, what do you really want? I realized that I can't answer that. What is scary, I still can't answer that today. Well thinking about wallflowers is fun, I really think that I am going to have to answer that one really soon.

Regards,
-Angst.