Goodbye

Dear Friend,

It is time for us to say goodbye. I cannot do this anymore. I thank you for listening, but I can't live my life by talking and observing. I need to get out and do things.

What do I really want? What everyone wants - To Be Loved.

All this talk, everything, Multiple Blog entries, love is all there is to it. That is the thing I want. The third rung on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The need to love / belong.

Sometimes I think I do things more not to be loved. I do things not to be hurt. I don't show emotion, as emotion is weakness. I am who I am, and I need to stop bitching about that. World is beckoning right now, no time to lose.

I love you my friend, but you knew that already. I am grateful that you listened.

In answer to my original questions.
- Can we change or not? - A: Yes, we can change.
- Have I changed or am I avoiding things that lower my confidence? - A: Not surprisingly a little bit of both. The answer is not in talking, it is in action.

Love,
-John

New Job

Dear Friend,

Its been a week in my new role, manager. This means that it is time to grow up. I have been flirting with feelings from deep in my past in order to expunge some demons. I found a simpler way. I just kicked them in the ass and grew up.

I'll still be writting, but I will have some different types of stories to tell

Regards
-Manager

Odd Fortune Cookie

Dear Friend,

My sister once told me that she got an interesting fortune in a cookie. It read something like "You will be hungry later, order take-out now"

I got an interesting one myself yestarday, it wasn't a fortune, more of a request. It read "Can you give me your heart?" What would you do with it if I did? Would you stick a knife in it and twist it about like so many others. Would you throw it away to the side of the road when you were done with it? Would you stop on it just to see what you do to me?

NEVER. You will never have my heart. No one will.

Regards
-Angst

Mind Reading

Dear Friend,

If I could have any power at all, I would have the power to read minds. I sometimes really wish that I could understand better how people think and what's on their minds. I've come to realize that I tend to think differently then other people. I know it as I see it in the puzzled looks in peoples' eyes when I talk. Or when I hear someone answer a question in a completely different way then I do.

Perhaps I am too honest and too direct.

In addition to just knowing how other people think. I really wish I knew what other people think of me. I'm writting to you, stranger, in an attempt to disengage myslef from that. You will never meet me, and I can live in the comfort of not caring what you think, but there are others in my life and over time who I really wish I could understand what they thought of me. I know, we shouldn't need others to validate our existence, and yeah, its not about that. Maybe... but really I would like to know. I have never been able to read people, and I'd like to know what they think of me, not to validate, but just to know... ya know?

Regards
-Angst

Britney Spears

Dear Friend,

Since Brittney Spears has been in the news recently, I've gone back and listened to a few of her songs while driving in my car. These songs got me thinking sure its written from a female perspective, but why can't I feel the same things? Because it emphasasizes my effeminate side perhaps? But fuck that, I'm telling a story here, and you've never met me. Let's look at two of the songs that evoke the most emotion. And you should know that I'm quite emotional about songs. My favorite songs are the ones where I hear the emotion of the singer festering through the song.

I've felt things at Brittney's songs. Two songs in particular. "Hit me baby One more time" and " Opps, I did it again." "One more time" is an odd one for me, in that the video can make me well up in some respects more then just hearing the song. For me the part that gets me is when she is in the stands holding the basketball, singing the chorus. and it goes to a single piano. "oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know... I must confess. that MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME KNOW... when I'm not with you, I lose my mind. give me a sign." This song is about lost love. So what if this lost love is unrequited love. Its still stiring my soul. There are times (or more specifically were times) that my loneliness was killing me. Day after day, just curling up wanting love to come. Not knowing how to cure the loneliness, just looking for any sign that love might be possible.

Of the two songs, "One more time" is the more emotional of the two. And no, it has nothing to do with Britney in the school uniform. The basketball shirt, maybe... but not the school uniform. For "Oops I did it again" its more about the reaction to hearing those words then the words themselves. I am such a fool for continuing to live my life in a state of unrequited love. It evokes interesting emotions, which may not be well understood, but hey, I'm not asking you to understand, I just want to know that you, stranger, are listening. I turn "Opps, I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game" into something that can best be described in the following "Opps I did it again, I GAVE you MY heart, AND lost in the game." It was a crush, and you crushed my heart. and that sweet-assed sorry voice, just enrages me further. "It might seem like a crush, but it doesn't mean I'm serious." means, I'm sorry, I'm just a flirt, you are the idiot for thinking that I was in "Love, and sent from above". In the end though, "I played with your heart, got lost in the game" - and I have to hate you for it. Britney's song let's me do that. That's why this song means something to me.

I have a real problem with unrequited love, or at least I did. Wallflowers tend to.. but no excuses. I don't have a problem anymore. The problem I used to have was that I was immature and not in control of my emotions. Now I'm alot saner. The progression in my life has gone somewhat like this. Unrequited love that I didn't know what the heck to do with to unrequited love that I took some chances on, but didn't really give a great deal of thought on the approach... to unrequited love that I tried to ignore and bury so deep inside that it nearly killed me.... to bottling up my heart to that special person who will one day open it. But I am not holding out hope. I'm nearly 32 years old. I've grown past defining my life by love. I'm not doing it anymore. My heart will not be on my shoulder and out on display. By that I mean, my love is for one and only person, myself. Because that is what I missed all those years. I did not love myself. If I did, I would not have gotten myself in the situations that I did. Learning that, I gave up on love indefinitely. While I thought that I would once return to it, and I have felt an occasionaly yearning to turn a friendship into something more; honestly, I don't know if I want to take that chance again.

I'm sure you don't understand this, and if my friends were reading this, they really wouldn't understand it. So I'm writting to you stranger, to tell my story, its a story I want to tell, as I know there are others out there like me. And one day you might happen across one of them, and you'll recognize what I'm saying, and maybe you'll understand them.

I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm saner know then I have ever been in my life. Societly tells us that we should fall in love. Really? are our lives truely one size fits all. Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this picture. I've fell in love, and I loved the feeling, but it was absent a love of self. Someone will love me oneday, and I may love someone. and I know I'll feel those pangs of love, they pop up now and again. but unlike Britney, I realize its not a game; when we play it like it is a game, that is just means someone will lose.

What I do worry thou, is that I have bottled my heart up so deep inside for its own protection that I've become an unemotional thing and driven away my friends. Truth is that I'm still quite emotional, I don't get as worked up as I used to, and I know emotions are truth. They are not things to run from. For example, if I have a crush on say a co-worker, fine. I accept that as a truth, and its much easier to deal with. Then trying to supress that feeling and wondering why I do the stupid things I do around him or her (trust me, it would be a her... just wanted to see if you were paying attention, ha ha). Ever said the phrase "lying to yourself" ... I don't do that. I know myself... I may hide it from others, but that is a different matter.

But baring my heart away means I am tougher to read, and maybe my friends don't want to be around me much anymore. That is a bit saddening, and perhaps I need to let it open a little more. But I've had more pain from being an open book then being more closed... so that is a reality.

And now I'm just babeling and rambling. One day I'm going to look back at this post and I'm sure I'll realized that I needed to fill in a few more blanks and reorganize alot of these thoughts... and I may even regret what I've written here. While even though you are a stranger, and these are just stories and theories. I do recognize that they might get into the hands of folks who know me and take these too seriously. To that I'd say. Its emotion people, its reality that it more real then the drummed up reality we see around us. It is truth, it can be scary. It can be anything you feel it to be. Do not be afraid of it, do not be ashamed of it. We have one life to live, do not make it petty by shortchanging what you feel.

Speaking of feeling, here are the songs that I feel convey the most emotion for me, and why.


My Top 5 emotional songs
1. Unbreak my heart - Toni Braxton - Just hearing her belt out "Unbreak my heart!" sends shivers down my spine.
2. Don't Speak - No Doubt - "Don't Speak, I know what your thinking, don't tell me cause it hurts" - This is the song of unrequited love for me. Don't tell me that you don't think of me that way. I already know it. Was what I was thinking when I listed to it long ago.
3. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind - "I'm only pretty sure I can't take anymore" and "how its gonna be when you don't know me anymore. how its gonna be." For when I'm pissed off at being "just a friend" and I can't take the pain anymore. I wonder, how you would feel, if I just said fuck you.
4. Ain't it Fun - Guns and Roses - The true sad / want to be pissed off song.
5. Hey You - Pink Floyd - nuff said... seriously anything by Pink Floyd could fit here, but there was a loneliness in this song, and a cry for help that I really felt back long ago.

The thing to notice about these, for those of you intensely worried about me right now... these are OLDER songs. I haven't listened to most of these in years. These aren't songs of today. The song of today that is closest to this for me is "Umbrella" by Rihanna. That may seem like an odd song, but one day a month ago coming home from work I took the chorus and turned it around and made it a pledge I was making to myself. Here's the lyrics... think about that while you read it. I nearly cried when I first thought of this song this way.

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

Regards,
-Angst

Promotion

Dear Friend,

Interesting news this week. I interviewed for a management position in my group, and everything says I'll get the position come Monday. This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. But I don't want to talk about the job tonight, I've been thinking about this all weekend.

So far in these letters, I've talked a lot about what I want. This is very relevant to my situation now. I was having drinks with a dear friend of mine tonight. She remarked that I seem to move from one intense job to the next. When am I going to have the time to do the other things in life the things I want to take care of (I'm possibly paraphrasing). Over 2 years ago, I got myself out of consulting as I felt that it was eating up my life. I was spending considerably less time with my friends and while my life was always about work, it became moreso in this period. To this day, I really haven't caught back up with those close friends and it feels that I've generally grown farther away from people then closer. With a few exceptions.

This new job has the possibility of doing the same to me. I may find that between now and 2010 my life becomes more my job then it did in the past. And among the things that give me trepidation about this position, I have to say that this is one of them.

I am not a completely self-confident being. We can get into why someother time, but I don't even know how I feel about you reading this. I've certainly improved my confidence over the years. I used to have no confidence at all. Then as I grew, I began to get confidence in situations that I've seen before. Recently, I have been able to confidently enter situations that I had no explicit prior reference. That is growth.

But a lot of that growth has been at work. Socially, I've still felt awkward, thou again a lot lessso since school days. I've identified things I want. Things I'd like to change, things I'd like to get a better handle on. Some of them I listed in a prior post. But some of these things take time, and that was my friends point. Will I ever get to these things if I get myself wrapped up in work once again. I've had a busy job recently, but one that was entirely manageable. This new one could get unmanageable.

So how do these two points (confidence and time) tie together. It takes time and energy for us to battle our inner demons. Particularly if we get ourselves to the point of being overly worried or overly analytical about them. How do we not wake up and find four years later that we are older, wiser, but still on the paths that don't enable us to be all the we can, all the we want.

I know why its easy not to spend this time. We do get wrapped up in other things. Explicitly fighting demons is a energy draining downward spiral. Its easy to pass these things on to tomorrow or the next day. For the past 6 months, I've written in my to do list "Life Goals", but still I don't address it. I pass it on to work on other things.

The key, my friend, I think is twofold. 1) Find the freaking time. You always must fine the time for yourself. I know I've learned this. I used to push off my own "self-items" to worry and fret over my friends' "self-items". In some vain attempt to feel closeness... my own wallflower syndrome. 2) Break down the barriers quickly. Just freaking break them down. Blow through them before the voices in your head give you pause.

I have only one freaking life to lead. JUST ONE. There isn't time to fret and worry. There isn't time to be self-conscious. Nike's "Just Do It" sounds corny, but it is the truth.

That's why I'm accepting the job on Monday, and I'm going to make it work.

Driving home tonight, I listened to "Ain't it fun" a cover by Guns and Roses of an old punk rock song. It serves me well in two moods... When I'm depressed and want to feel angry and when I'm scared and want to feel like turning things around. I'm listening to it now... there are some phrases I want to share. Its a mix, not the full lyrics

"Ain't it fun when your always on the run?"
"Ain't it fun when your friends despise what you've become?"
"Ain't it fun when you feel like you just gotta get a gun?"
"Ain't if fun when you know that you are gonna die young?"

OK, its getting very late now. I don't know if I am making any sense anymore. I should stop here before I regret blathering on more.

Thank you for listening. I cherish it.

Regards,
-Angst

p.s. Re-reading some things I just wrote, made me think this pertainant thought, which maybe I alluded to in the first place. Sometimes I think I block what I want from even coming to the forefront in my mind. The voices in my head are evil bastards. To protect my psyche, I think they don't even let me consider the things that lead to a downward spiral of self-deprecation and loathing. I think it tries to call it maturity, but I think in the end it will lead to a hollow life. (Which might be why I'm writing down these very intimate details of my mind to break that cycle). For example. to protect myself from the pain of unrequited love, which I've known so much about I could write a book. Sorry... but to ease that pain, I think my mind in the past has drown out feelings of affection in white noise. Oh, don't even bother thinking about her that way... it won't work out... blah blah blah. That is what I mean by the voices in my head not allowing thoughts to even come to the forefront where I can confront them, overcome them. I have a mind that plays chess, better then I do.

Which is utterly remarkable when you think about it.

I am definitely going to have to write a long letter about voices in the head, but not tonight. Tonight I just tipped the iceberg. But perhaps I won't ever. Perhaps I'll just beat them into submission tomorrow.

I want

Dear Friend,

I want...

I want to laugh more - Its fun to laugh
I want to smile more - People are friendlier when you are friendly to them
I want to be apart of something special - Its nice to feel apart of something
I want to be happy - I am happy, but I want to continue to be
I want my friends to be happy - but not at my expense
I want a wine cellar - To share with friends when they come over
I don't want to feel alone
I want to continue to do things my way, to be my own person and have my own voice
I want the confidence to know what to do, know what to say, know how to act in any situation
I want to believe
I want you to know you are important to me
I want gas prices to go down.
I want to see Lewis Black in person
I want to make progress on my list of things to do before I die
I want to make a difference
I want the ball in the ninth inning

but most of all... I want to know that I am the best I can be, every moment of every day.

Regards,
-Angst